that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
he chose this
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
🌱🌱🌱
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Huge, if true.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….