that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
neighborhood watch
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Are you a cat person or a person person?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.