that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My work here is don’t.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer