Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

These are my emotional support Pringles.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

broke down and did it

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area