That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.