Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.