That’s it.I’m out.
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OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two