That’s it.I’m out.
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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!