That’s it.I’m out.
You Might Also Like
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light