Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.