Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

A classic…

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

Cake safety first. Always.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help