That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe