That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.