That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
You Might Also Like
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
There are no pants in heaven.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
the three genders
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Math at Halloween.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.