Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Me driving through Toronto

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera