that’s just… not what monogamy means??
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
They also CAN sing✌️
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.