that’s just… not what monogamy means??
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever