that’s just… not what monogamy means??
You Might Also Like
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*