that’s just… not what monogamy means??
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
😾
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
murder on the timeline
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.