Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

I feel seen.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.