That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“How’s your day going?”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.