Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

i’m sure it’s fine

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them