That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”