“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.