That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.