That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
This dude got his own movie?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
THE DOG😭😭💀
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
