That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Livid.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are