That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
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In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order