That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
You Might Also Like
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Labreador
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
