Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.