That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
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Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.