Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.