That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Spring cleaning checklist…
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
fourth time’s the charm
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($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this