thats my bad
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Proctologist = Analyst
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Are you ok, human???
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Joseph Smith, 1833
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough