thats my bad
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me when I’m ovulating
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix