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How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
adam and eve had first world problems
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
This made me chuckle.