that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
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I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
new wife guy just dropped
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.