that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
You Might Also Like
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
This could’ve been an email.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
The news
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”