That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.