TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.
if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.
Behind every YouTube star is an Ikea bookshelf
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.