That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no