@HomeProbably

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

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@dave_cactus

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

@iamch0pper

if you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “in jesus name amen”

@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

@AmnesiaRose

I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.

@thatdutchperson

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

@SondraDeeMe

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

@AnkCoupleTO

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

@ThisOneSayz

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.