Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*