Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

#Thanos #MondayMood

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.