Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.