Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.