that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
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Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.