That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.