That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
nice challenge
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.