That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*seductively corrects your posture*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.