That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
This guy’s not having it 😆
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.