That’s not how days work.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.