Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room