that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
watching gymnastics
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?