that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics