“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica