Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!