Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

I forgot how to panic. Help

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

even bears disappoint their mothers

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.