that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
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FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
The old gods are rising again.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.