that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.