that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
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They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat