that’s really how it is
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I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player