that’s really how it is
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.