that’s really how it is
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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us