That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My blood type is coffee.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
i want to work in this restaurant
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble