That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Found my door mat
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Dolls on drugs
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.