That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!