That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.