Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

😂

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.