That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
me adding lol on a serious message
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
This did not end as expected.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges