“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either