“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Guys which shade of gery should I get
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Saw online –
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.