“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
WTF IS THAT!
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Worth a try
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.