Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.