That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
me before I type out affect or effect
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh