That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*