Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.