That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.