That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
😭😭😭
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.