That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
You Might Also Like
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”