That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
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midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Please vote for people who are attractive
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
This 4th of July, please remember…
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.