Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

everyone has that one prude friend

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right