That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
