That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.