@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

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@TwatWaffler69

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

@Chhapiness

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

@JasonLastname

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

@leakypod

[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho

@TwinSurvivalist

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

@prodigal_bran

Girl, are you spaghetti? Cause you make strange sounds when I poke you with a fork.

@_elvishpresley_

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@SaraMansford

Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.