That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
You Might Also Like
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Saw your ex at the shops
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.