That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

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If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times


Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet


[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho


When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.


Girl, are you spaghetti? Cause you make strange sounds when I poke you with a fork.


me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty


I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.


Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.