That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
