That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.