Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!